The Social Glue
Building Empathy Through Inquiry
We have all been there. You are at a wedding or a work event, trapped in a loop of “What do you do for a living?” and “How about this weather?” Small talk is the WD-40 of social life; it keeps things moving, but it rarely builds anything meaningful. If you want to actually connect with people, you have to upgrade your curiosity from the surface level to the deep end.
From Gossip to Empathy
Psychologists often distinguish between two types of curiosity regarding other people. The first is Social Curiosity. This is our natural drive to know what is happening in our “tribe”. It is why we look at celebrity news or wonder why the couple next door is arguing. While it serves a purpose, it is often passive and can even be judgmental.
The second type is Empathic Curiosity. This is the desire to understand the internal world of another person: their fears, their motivations, and how they see the world. While social curiosity asks, “What are they doing?”, empathic curiosity asks, “How does it feel to be them?”
The Power of the “Powerful Question”
The easiest way to move from the surface to the depths is to change the way you ask questions. Most of our daily questions are “closed.” They can be answered with a simple yes, no, or a one-word fact. “Did you have a good weekend?” is a closed question. It gives the other person an easy exit.
A powerful question, as described by author Terry Fadem, is open-ended and non-judgmental. It forces the other person to pause and think. Instead of asking “Do you like your job?”, you might ask “What is a part of your work that people usually misunderstand?” This shift invites the other person to share a piece of their identity, not just a line from their resume.
De-escalating Conflict with Curiosity
This isn’t just about making better friends; it is about surviving a polarized world. The Public Conversations Project (now called Essential Partners) is a group that specializes in bringing together people who completely disagree on high-stakes issues like politics or religion.
Their secret weapon? They don’t let people debate. Instead, they facilitate curiosity. They ask participants to share personal stories about how they formed their beliefs. When you are curious about someone’s story, it becomes much harder to see them as an enemy. You start to see the human logic behind a “wrong” opinion. Curiosity provides the “social glue” that allows us to stay in the room with people who are different from us.
The Vulnerability of Inquiry
True curiosity requires a bit of courage. When you ask a deep question, you are signaling that you don’t have all the answers. You are admitting that the other person has something to teach you. This vulnerability is exactly what builds trust. People don’t bond over being right; they bond over being interested in each other.
The Curiosity Challenge: In your next conversation, try to go the whole time without asking a question that can be answered with one word. Replace “How are you?” with “What has been the most interesting part of your day so far?” See if the energy of the conversation changes.
Resource for this article: Terry J. Fadem, “The Art of Asking: Ask Better Questions, Get Better Answers” (2008).